When birth doesn’t go as planned, and other ways birth is traumatic
While as a young child you may have fantasized about the day you’d become a parent and birth your very own child, you probably had little fantasy about what that actually entailed. But when you become pregnant and it becomes a reality that (hopefully) your child will be earthside after several months of growing in your belly, you likely developed some expectations, images, and maybe even plans for what that would look like. Some of us go to great lengths to create a detailed birth plan that might include the method of delivery, where and who will deliver our baby, whether or not we take medications to manage pain, who is in the delivery room with us, and on and on. Others may do little planning, hope for the best, and put their trust in their medical providers to guide them and their baby through a healthy and safe delivery. There’s no right way to plan for childbirth, and unfortunately, no way to ensure that things will go as planned.
Perhaps one of the most challenging things about birth is, in fact, that it often doesn’t go as planned as there is no surefire way to make it so. We’re often so busy making plans that we don’t set forth some expectations that things may not go as planned. I like to think that this is one (of many) sources of traumatic birth. Others may involve medical complications, need for emergency treatment, or a NICU stay, to name just a few. To quote trauma expert Katie O’shea, trauma can be defined as “anything for which the mind is not adequately prepared.” This doesn’t necessarily mean that any event that we’re unprepared for will result in trauma, but that it has the potential to, especially under highly stressful conditions. Whether we experience something as traumatic may also be informed by our histories, previous traumas and losses, and the way that we interpret various information.
The impact of birth trauma can be profound, and come at a time when our system is already overwhelmed emotionally and physically. It can leave us feeling a sense of shame, feeling betrayed by our bodies, and having difficulty bonding with our baby. Birth trauma occurs at a time when we are most vulnerable, when we are trying to learn life’s most challenging job a.k.a. Parenthood. And at times it means that we have to allow others to step in and do the tasks we imagined ourselves to be doing because caring for an infant requires a lot, and sometimes trauma can deplete us of the physical and mental resources we need at this critical time. And while birth trauma is devastating to say the least– for some it might feel like this magical experience has been ripped from our grasp and morphed into something painful– we can recover. There is absolutely hope for healing.
Birth trauma is beginning to get the attention of mental health professionals as we recognize that it’s more common than we once may have thought, often underlying PMADS (perinatal mood and anxiety disorders) and likely compounded by the COVID-19 pandemic. It’s estimated that 1 in 3 birthing persons experience a traumatic birth (this is about 1 million people per year). Finding healing can start by recognizing that you are the one who gets to determine whether you experienced your birth as traumatic– not whether a doctor or family member classified it, or doesn’t, as such. Offering yourself compassion for what you’ve been through is key. Just because you have a healthy baby and you are grateful for your child, doesn’t mean that you can also feel grief, disappointment, and emotional pain. When you find yourself overwhelmed by your emotions, identify a way to ground yourself. Grounding isn’t minimizing or avoiding your feelings, but giving yourself an opportunity to turn your attention and awareness elsewhere momentarily. It might mean taking five deep breaths, putting on a song that feels meditative, or holding an object in your hand and trying to observe every detail of it.
Once you’ve identified that you have experienced birth trauma, finding support is essential. This support can look different for different individuals, but there is specialized support available. Postpartum Support International offers a free birth trauma support group. Details on dates and times and how to register are available here: https://www.postpartum.net/get-help/psi-online-support-meetings/
Individual therapy can also be helpful, especially with a provider who has specialized training in trauma-informed treatment, such as EMDR, as well as specialization in reproductive mental health. The Postpartum Support International Provider Directory and The Touchstone Institute’s Therapist Network are great places to begin.
