Finding Hope After Pregnancy Loss
October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month, affecting millions of families. It’s estimated that one in four birthing people experience loss during their reproductive journey. Regardless of when the loss occurs– very early on in the pregnancy, or after the child is born– it’s devastating and painful. Given how common pregnancy loss is, it’s often not attended to in the sensitive way that allows individuals to feel supported. Additionally, it’s often not something that’s even acknowledged, especially as it’s often invisible to those surrounding the bereaved individual
If you’re reading this after experiencing your own pregnancy or infant loss, you may be in an acute state of grief or the loss may feel a bit more distant, a bit less overwhelming. The truth about pregnancy and infant loss is that no matter how much time has passed, you may still wonder what that little one would have been like if they were still here today. One of the challenges with these types of losses is that they often involve an imagined future– of the child, of our family, of our hopes and dreams– that doesn’t ever become a reality. This is unlike grieving someone with whom we’ve made memories with, with whom we’ve had time with.
Grieving the loss of a pregnancy or child is accompanied by a variety of emotions and experiences. Some common ones include:
Self blame or feeling that one did something that could have caused the death
Anger and jealousy; perhaps towards those who haven’t had to endure this type of pain or whom you encounter and have carried and birthed a healthy baby
Sadness– this probably goes without saying but grief often involves an immense amount of sadness, like a hollowness and heartache
Anxiety and fear about the future, especially when thinking about trying to conceive or being pregnant again
These emotions, like many others, may ebb and flow. They may be triggered by events such as holidays, an expected due date or birthday, or the anniversary of the loss, among many others. While there’s no timestamp on how long it takes to grieve and we are never really done grieving, most people do find that the feelings of grief subside over time. Some things that can be helpful throughout the process include the following:
Find emotional support through loved ones, especially those who are able to respond in a compassionate and sensitive way, offering validation and empathy.
Seek community with other bereaved parents through support or therapy groups. Postpartum Support International and Return to Zero offer virtual support groups for those experiencing loss.
Engage in a ritual or ceremony to commemorate the loss. For example, planting a tree, releasing balloons, creating artwork or writing a letter. Some folks also find engaging in activism work around perinatal loss.
“Grief is just love with no place to go…” -Jamie Anderson
